The Year of You (explanation)

A little while back I purchased a book that I came across called The Year of You.  It's a book with daily journal topics.  There's one for every day of the year.  I started doing the daily journals by hand, writing them old school.  Pen and paper.  I know they suggest that you don't journal "online", that you actually sit down with pen & paper and write.  I'm sure it has something to do with making it more personal, less distractions, etc.  Which makes sense.  But for me, it's so hard to find a comfy spot to sit and write like that.  Not to mention, when I get on a really hot topic, it's not long before my hand hurts.  On computer I can type almost 100 words per minute.  Hard to compete with that when using pen and paper! lol 

My goal is to complete the whole thing though.  I've browsed through the book a little bit and some days the writing is pretty short, other days it looks like some pretty intense questions to journal about.  Not only are there journal prompts for each day, but every month covers a different topic as well.  The author says you can start from the day you start journaling.  Like today is June 27th, so I could start there and write about that days journal entry.  Or you could start from the beginning. 

I think to me it makes the most sense to start from the beginning, because some entries seem to build on the one before it a bit.  Anyways, so that's what I'm gonna do.  :)  I might jump around here and there, either using other journal prompts or maybe I'll just feel like writing something off topic for that day, or maybe I'll do more than 1 a day, who knows.  So I'll title those entries or tag them with 'The Year of You'. 

Ok...let's get started! lol

Anything worth holding on to

So a few weeks ago an online friend of mine shared this song with me.  That's kind of our "thing".  We share songs with each other that we think we'll like, because we have similar tastes and unfortunately, kind of feel the same about life right now.  Although I think she does a much better job at handling it than me.

This song made me bawl like a baby, and still does.  But it perfectly sums up how I feel right now.  How I feel about myself.  How I feel about life.  How I feel about the future.  I'm already tearing up right now just talking about the song.  From time to time I'll share songs that hit home like this one does, because sometimes music says everything I can't find the words to say, and this is definitely one of those songs.

Lyrics

Lately it seems, I've lost inspiration
It feels like it's miles away
I sleep through the day
And cry through the night time
I'm caught in an empty space

Takes effort to find
I don't have the strength
I'm holding on to what's still left of me

When the life you had planned
Slowly slips through your hands
When it feels like you just slept through all the best years of your life
When you can't find your way
When each day ends the same
When you've lost the fight inside of you
Is there anything worth holding on to?

It's hard to be strong
When weakness is stronger
I'm a prisoner in my own skin
I'm not good on my own
I need to be cared for
Someone to help these days begin

There are dreams I've let die
That I just pushed aside
I need to find out how to turn this dark back into light

When the warmth disappears
When it's been one of those years
When you're running from the truth because, well
You're scared of what you might find
When your heart's beyond repair
When you wake and no ones there
When your home consists of only you
Is there anything worth holding on to?

Maybe tomorrow my heart will reawaken
And I can find what I've been searching for
But today I'm tired and I'm running out of strength
All I know is I can't live like this anymore

When you're so far from home
When you've lost all signs of hope
When you're searching for salvation
But it feels so far away
When the words have disappeared
And the melody's unclear
When there's nothing left inside of you
Is there anything worth holding on to?

Cause I will still be holding on to
Anything worth holding on to...

Here we go...again

This will be like my umpteenth journal/blog that I've started.  Maybe one of these days I will stick with writing.  I feel like it's a cycle.  I go through some rough, dark times in my life and that's what prompts me to want to write out my thoughts.  Things start to get better or I just get distracted and before you know it, it's weeks, then months, between writing.

What prompted this burst of desire to start writing again?  My.life.sucks!  Plain and simple.  I turn 40 fucking years old in a few months and I'm having a life crisis.  I have a degree, with a career, yet this past year I have been literally living paycheck to paycheck.  Mostly only being able to make ends meet because I'm able to dip a little bit here and there into my savings account.  But if it wasn't for that, I'd be screwed!  And that savings account keeps dwindling each month.  I worked too hard and I'm too fucking old to be living like that!

I'm about to turn 40 and what do I have to show for my life?  Divorced with no desire even to be in a relationship with anyone right now.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I wish I had someone in my life.  I wish I had someone to share my life with.  I just don't want to go through all the bullshit you have to go through to get it.  I have no desire to put myself out there.  I don't even know if I know how to flirt or talk to a guy anymore.  Something has died inside of me.  I've become passive and lazy.  I guess I just sit here thinking, what's the point?  This is probably going to be how the next 40 years of my life is going to be so why bother?

If I'm totally honest, if it wasn't for my 2 dogs, I'd have nothing really to live for.  I work 3 days a week.  On my 4 days off I waste countless hours on the internet, sleep a lot, spend time with my dogs.  That is it.  They keep me here.  If it wasn't for the fact that I have them depending on me...well I'm sure you can figure out the end of that thought.  And it isn't like I think I have such a horrible life or anything.  It really is just this thought that I keep having of what's the point?

I'm not married.  I don't have any kids and never will.  Other than the job I have, what am I even doing but taking up space here on this planet.  I rarely see any of my family since I live 18 hours away from them.  The whole plan has been to move closer to them but since I keep having to use my savings account to save me from homelessness, looks like that's never going to happen.  Yeah, if it wasn't for my dogs, or the fact that me being gone would literally destroy my mother, I'd probably have disappeared.

But here's the thing...I don't want to feel this way!  I want to be happy again.  I want to have a life.  I want to live life.  Sometimes I think if maybe I did just pack up and move somewhere, I could start over.  Wipe the slate clean.  But until I do some internal fixing, then I'm self aware enough to know that's not going to work.  Because...

So here's what I'm going to do.  I am going to take this next year to try to get into a better place.  I'm going to journal every fucking day!  I'm going to use journal prompts that force me to search inside myself so I can learn who I really am and start liking myself again.  I'm going to read articles, books, watch videos, listen to podcasts, music, whatever...to try to find happiness again.  I will not even attempt to get into a relationship with anyone during this time.  Other than my dogs, my family, coworkers & friends, they will be the only people in my life.  But my main focus will be me, and only me!

I am no longer going to be a passenger in life.  I have to take control of my life.  I have so many things to be thankful for and happy about.  This can't be...it.