Here we go...again

This will be like my umpteenth journal/blog that I've started.  Maybe one of these days I will stick with writing.  I feel like it's a cycle.  I go through some rough, dark times in my life and that's what prompts me to want to write out my thoughts.  Things start to get better or I just get distracted and before you know it, it's weeks, then months, between writing.

What prompted this burst of desire to start writing again?  My.life.sucks!  Plain and simple.  I turn 40 fucking years old in a few months and I'm having a life crisis.  I have a degree, with a career, yet this past year I have been literally living paycheck to paycheck.  Mostly only being able to make ends meet because I'm able to dip a little bit here and there into my savings account.  But if it wasn't for that, I'd be screwed!  And that savings account keeps dwindling each month.  I worked too hard and I'm too fucking old to be living like that!

I'm about to turn 40 and what do I have to show for my life?  Divorced with no desire even to be in a relationship with anyone right now.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I wish I had someone in my life.  I wish I had someone to share my life with.  I just don't want to go through all the bullshit you have to go through to get it.  I have no desire to put myself out there.  I don't even know if I know how to flirt or talk to a guy anymore.  Something has died inside of me.  I've become passive and lazy.  I guess I just sit here thinking, what's the point?  This is probably going to be how the next 40 years of my life is going to be so why bother?

If I'm totally honest, if it wasn't for my 2 dogs, I'd have nothing really to live for.  I work 3 days a week.  On my 4 days off I waste countless hours on the internet, sleep a lot, spend time with my dogs.  That is it.  They keep me here.  If it wasn't for the fact that I have them depending on me...well I'm sure you can figure out the end of that thought.  And it isn't like I think I have such a horrible life or anything.  It really is just this thought that I keep having of what's the point?

I'm not married.  I don't have any kids and never will.  Other than the job I have, what am I even doing but taking up space here on this planet.  I rarely see any of my family since I live 18 hours away from them.  The whole plan has been to move closer to them but since I keep having to use my savings account to save me from homelessness, looks like that's never going to happen.  Yeah, if it wasn't for my dogs, or the fact that me being gone would literally destroy my mother, I'd probably have disappeared.

But here's the thing...I don't want to feel this way!  I want to be happy again.  I want to have a life.  I want to live life.  Sometimes I think if maybe I did just pack up and move somewhere, I could start over.  Wipe the slate clean.  But until I do some internal fixing, then I'm self aware enough to know that's not going to work.  Because...

So here's what I'm going to do.  I am going to take this next year to try to get into a better place.  I'm going to journal every fucking day!  I'm going to use journal prompts that force me to search inside myself so I can learn who I really am and start liking myself again.  I'm going to read articles, books, watch videos, listen to podcasts, music, whatever...to try to find happiness again.  I will not even attempt to get into a relationship with anyone during this time.  Other than my dogs, my family, coworkers & friends, they will be the only people in my life.  But my main focus will be me, and only me!

I am no longer going to be a passenger in life.  I have to take control of my life.  I have so many things to be thankful for and happy about.  This can't be...it.