This weekend was a bit rough. Thursday night I had been playing Guild Wars 2, and SB (my ex from last year that is pretty much the catalyst for this change in me) had been helping me with something on the game. We don't talk often and when we have it's just been casual chat or it's about GW2. But that night he had been hanging out with me in the game then suddenly disappeared, saying "Sorry I gotta go" then he logged off. I thought...well that was abrupt!
Hours later he sent me a text on my phone with a picture of one of his kids that had gotten an injury, and they had to rush to the ER. So he was trying to explain away why he rushed off. And stupidly, it got me to thinking about why he would care enough to try to apologize or explain his abrupt departure to me at all. If I'm honest, I guess I still care about him and I miss him. Over the past year I've had thoughts about trying to patch things up, but then tell myself it's pointless to try unless I'm living close to him because long distance relationships just don't work, etc. I've also promised myself no romance or relationships until I can get myself fixed a bit. But still...there's times I can't help but wish things were different ya know.
So Friday when I got to work, I text him to ask him how his son was doing. I guess just to see if we would maybe keep chatting. I don't know what in the hell I was thinking or what kind of response I expected to get back. But all I got back from him was "He's fine" and never anything else, so I just left it. I have no clue why it stung, but I guess it just reminded me of how alone I am and how we really aren't a part of each others lives anymore, and how he doesn't really want me to be a part of his life anymore either. Sharing what happened to his son and him leaving abruptly was just him being nice I guess, nothing more.
I know these thoughts are just silly and probably irrational. But they're there none the less. If I were in a better place right now in my life, I wouldn't give a rats ass. I wouldn't even think about all this stuff. But it is what it is. So later that night, when it was just me & LS at work, I kind of had a break down. I cried a little bit, blubbering about how down I've been. How all week all I did was just sleep. I'd sleep for a few hours, wake up for a few hours, then go right back to bed to sleep for more. Every day I had intentions of starting to do the delivery thing to make some extra cash, but couldn't bring myself to even leave the house. How I felt horrible that I only took the dogs to the park once, and even that day I had to make myself do it! The whole week was basically a waste, because I just couldn't do anything.
She of course sympathized and said she understood. But she's a beautiful, young (27) woman, with tons of friends and a super active social life. I mean, of course she might understand, but if I had her life...I just shouldn't even go there. I shouldn't be judgmental because no one knows what it's like to be in someone else's shoes.
So that was Friday night/Saturday morning. Then Saturday night at work, I had another break down. I swear, parents are probably one of the hardest things I deal with in my job. Don't get me wrong, the kids are difficult too in their own ways. But I understand why they are being difficult. So I was taking care of this little kid, XB. For the most part, his mother has always done most of his care whenever I've had him in the past. I do my typical stuff, like assessment, IV medications, etc. but she has always been the one that does his oral meds and stuff, so I don't quite know the "tricks" to his med taking. And all kids have tricks when it comes to meds, ie: ways that work or don't work to get them to take their oral medications.
I was in their room at 20:15 taking down his chemo. At this point they were both still awake. He was watching some kid stuff on his IPad and she was watching tv on the couch. I told her "I will be back at 9 to start his next chemo and I'll have all of his nighttime meds with me for him too, but if you need something before then just give me a call" and she said ok. So as promised, I returned to the room at 21:00 and they were both already asleep! Like this wasn't like an oops, we accidentally fell asleep thing. It was lights out, tv off, she even had her laptop up playing her sound machine noise thing they sleep to. So under my breath I'm grumbling. She knew I was coming back in 45 minutes! She could have called me to say "Hey he's starting to get sleepy, can we go ahead and do his meds now?" and I would have immediately gone into the room to give them. Or she could have tried to distract him to stay away for a little bit until I came in. Something! But now, I have to wake up a 4 year old who is going to be none too happy that he now has to take medicine! *sighs*
So I get all of his medicine together and go to the side of the bed that mom is closest to and she rolls over and I see that she's either woken up or wasn't actually asleep yet. I whisper to her "Hey mom, I have his meds. Do you want me to wake him up and give them, or would you rather give them?" because often times, kids will do much better taking meds from parents than they will for us. She just whispered back "No, you can give them." Ugh....lovely, thanks! I thought.
So I wake up the little guy and he's of course, grumpy because I just woke him up. When I tell him he has to take his medicine, he loses it and starts to have his own break down. Screaming and crying "I don't want to take medicine!!" Hey I get it bud. I wouldn't be crazy about being woken up and told I have to take this nasty medicine either. So I spend the next 10 minutes trying to calm him down. I'm trying to think of all things I can say to help. Trying to bargain with him, "It's just 4 medicines...let's get it done real quick then you can go right back to sleep ok?" or "Do you want to play on your IPad while we take these?" He has a very special little stuffed animal that he can't go anywhere without and I even tried the whole "Let's share the medicine with Leper (the stuffed animals name because it's this leopard cub tiger thing) ok, that way you don't have to take it all yourself!" I was going to pretend to give some to the stuffed animal. Like I'm seriously trying everything. He's getting himself so worked up, I'm sensing this is only going to end in disaster, and by that I mean...any medicine I'm able to get him to take he's probably going to end up throwing up. *sighs*
I finally turn to mom, who by the way has been laying over on the couch watching this whole thing and say "Nothing I'm doing is seeming to work soooo..." and she just shrugs her shoulders and says "Just keep trying". Thanks lady! So by this time about 15 minutes has gone by and I've only managed to get him to take 1 of the 4 medicines he has to take, and even that was the smallest one. At one point I consider just throwing in the towel and admitting defeat. I consider not making him take them. But I know that with kids, even at this age, they will learn that if you give in and give up, then that will be the last time you'll ever get them to take medicine. Every time from there on out, it will be a huge production like this. Manipulative little shits! Even at 4 they are! I kid you not! lol
So wrong or right, I'm now getting really frustrated. Not frustrated with him so much, more frustrated at the situation with mom. How some of this could have been avoided had she not let him go to sleep or had she called me before he fell asleep. If she would get up and help me give these medicines. Something!!! So I stop trying to be so nice. I mean, I don't want it to seem like I decided to be a bitch. He's only 4 ffs! But I stopped saying "Come on bud...I know you don't want to take these and I'm sorry". I started saying his name and taking more of a stern tone. "X, you have to take this medicine" and he'd scream and cry "But I don't wanna take the medicine!!!" and I would say "I know you don't, but you have to. There is no option of not taking it. So sit up and let's get it done". Sometimes this will work if they're manipulating you and they realize that you're not giving up. Not this night....
He just kept getting more and more upset. And I'm not proud, but I resorted to threats by this point. He used to have a tube in his nose for a while so he could get liquid feedings fed to him because he kept losing weight. He absolutely hated it! But the good thing with it was we could also give him his meds through the tube. Even asleep, you could sneak in and give them to him. But make no mistake, having this tube didn't come without it's own moments of break downs. He'd have to be held down while we put the tube in because obviously, he's a 4 year old and he's not going to just lay there and let us do it. Once it was in, he'd absolutely freak out anytime he saw you touch the tube or come near it on his face. But it was a necessity, and most likely...will become one in the near future regardless, because after his transplant there will be a day he won't take his medicine or he will stop eating all together.
Anyhow...I told him "X, if you don't sit up and take this medicine for me like the big boy I know that you are, then I will have to go get one of my friends to come in here so she can help me hold you down while we put a tubie in your nose. Those are the only choices we have. Sit up and take this medicine, or you're going to get a tubie" and holy hell. He started screaming "I don't wanna be held down!! I don't want a tubie in my nose!!!!" He went off the scales on the break down, and what I knew was going to happen, happened. He projectile vomited everywhere and couldn't stop. It was all over him, his bed, his blankets, his stuffed animal. Which only made him more distraught, which I didn't think was possible!
Finally mother acted and got up, trying to help calm him down and clean him up. He was so difficult to console. She did try telling him "X you can't keep getting this upset like this, you have to take medicine and when you get so upset then you get sick". We managed to get him all cleaned up and LS came in to save the day. She got him to take tiny bits of medicine followed by drinks of water. It was a process and took a bit of time to get him to finish them all, but he finally did it. And I felt like...the.worst.nurse.ever! I threatened a 4 year old child with holding him down!
Once everything was done I asked LS to let me go to my car and I went out there and cried. What kind of fucked up nurse am I?! I felt awful for being frustrated with mom because ffs she's going through a living nightmare and no wonder she wanted to take a back seat tonight. For once, she didn't want to be "the bad guy" and she left me to get the medicine done but I was so angry and frustrated with her and in my head was blaming her for everything that happened. I was a mess over it. Even though LS and KJ both told me they understood, said they would have tried the same things, etc. I still felt like a monster, just like one of my patients mother's said I was a year ago. Who now that I think about it, is the real cause for my downward spiral. Will have to share that story some other time...
So needless to say, that just ruined my night. To top it off, they made us flex down and I was sent over to another department to work after 1am. So Sunday, I was kind of hoping for a mental day off. I knew all our units census would be down, so I was kind of hoping I'd get offered a push back and be put on call. Even though I bitch about losing the money and hours, I was willing to take it. I sat around until time to get ready for work, all the while staring at my phone, waiting on that text. It never came. So I grudgingly got ready for work. Sinatra, for whatever reason, decided to pee on the carpet just before I left. So I didn't show up to work in the best of moods. I was fully expecting for XB's mom to fire me, but she didn't. I told MD who was in charge, "Hey if they ask us to flex down and send someone home, can I go?" and she said sure. And I don't know why, but I broke down again. Told her how I'd been feeling lately. KJ ended up coming out and heard the whole thing too.
What's worse is I feel awful, because I know that everyone is going through their own issues. MD is one of the prettiest, sweetest girls I've ever worked with...yet she's still single. KJ, while annoying, she's got her own set of problems. She just had a miscarriage not too long ago. And then I think of all the people I take care of at work, who are going through cancer, bone marrow transplants, and I think...what is your problem! You have so many things to feel grateful for and all you can do is sit here feeling sorry for yourself, focused on such stupid things in your life. You have no reason to feel depressed, yet you do. And that's just it.
I do! I feel like I'm in such a dark pit of despair that I can't climb out of. I know I shouldn't feel the way that I do, yet I do. I know I have no real reasons to feel the things I'm feeling, but I do. And I have no idea how to fix it. How to make it better. Even if I did know how, I don't even know if I'd have the drive to do any of the things I'd need to do. MD suggested counseling, getting out and doing things with friends, going to a Dr and getting on meds. Yes, I could but that takes so much effort and how can I find the energy to do any of that when I have to force myself just to leave the house once a week to take my dogs to the park? I need to make some extra money but I can't even force myself to get out and start doing deliveries for Uber and InstaCart. I just don't know how to manage this or even get started. I feel like I've given up, and that scares me. It really does. *sighs*
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