Ok, so I've decided to just go in order of the questions in the daily journal book. Instead of it being "January 1st Question", it's just going to be Day #1.
What are the different roles you play in your life (e.g. mother, partner, sister, etc.) List as many as you can think of.
• daughter
• sister
• mother (to dogs)
• nurse
• co-worker
• employee
• friend
• blogger
• consumer
...that's all I can really think of. Kinda sad lol
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Rough Weekends
See how pathetic I am at keeping journals or doing daily writings. Here it is July 16th and I haven't written anything since the 1st. The last 2 weekends were just as rough as the one I wrote about before. Who am I kidding. Every day seems to be rough in it's own way. I got into it with a co-worker. She did apologize later that night when I went back into work though. But it bothered me so bad I cried about it. I lost sleep over it because every time I closed my mind I replayed the whole thing in my head. I tossed & turned, and every time I woke up just a little bit, there it was back on my mind. I really REALLY hate that I let things like that affect me so badly.
This last weekend honestly wasn't too bad, other than me having to have a killer assignment one night with our 2 busiest, heaviest patients, because we had a float from another floor and there was no other "fair" assignment for her. It definitely made my night fly, but fuck my feet were killing me when I got home! I was so exhausted! But the topping to the cake was when I came home yesterday morning to find that my dog had freaked out during the night and destroyed my carpet. Sometimes I swear...I just hate him! But only for a brief moment, then I love him to pieces. But omg I was so angry and it also made me just break down and cry. Mostly because I was just THAT angry at him about it. I don't know what to do about him.
My mom said "I think it's time you just put up an advertisement and try to sell him. You won't get your money back that you paid for him, but you'll get something I'm sure." No! That is not an option. I said "What do people do when they have a difficult child? Just finally throw their hands up and say 'I can't do this anymore, I'm giving you away!' Giving him up isn't an option!" And she tsk'd and reminded me that a dog and a child are 2 entirely different things. To most people, yeah. But not to me! I don't have kids, so my dogs ARE my kids! I'll never know how deeply you can love a child that you've given birth to, but I can only imagine it's similar to how much I love my dogs. It probably seems really silly to someone who has children, but to someone who doesn't have kids of their own and never will...it's just very hard to explain or make someone else understand unless they also feel that way about their dogs.
I'll need to figure something out for him. He just has such bad separation anxiety when I'm gone to work. He had been doing really well the last few weeks, then suddenly this weekend it was horrible. Every night he chewed up at least 1 of the puppy pads. I usually lay out 3 in the kitchen for them and every night he chewed up the 3rd one. So that last night I thought, well fuck it, I'm not going to put out that 3rd then. They're not cheap and if all he's going to do is shred it, what's the point. Well...a puppy pad is much cheaper than carpet! Because the last night I didn't put out that 3rd is the night he went for the carpet. I have no idea what I'm going to do about the carpet. And I have no idea what I'm going to do or try differently to get him to calm down.
I had been giving him this milk based capsule of something the vet recommended. It's not medicine, it's all natural or whatever. But I had ran out of it and honestly, I wasn't 100% it was making any difference. He wasn't having as hard of a time while I was gone, but then I was kind of hoping maybe he had just grown out of it a bit. But I think now this is the proof that it WAS helping! I ran out of it about 2 weeks ago, and she had told me that's about how long it would take to really start helping, so makes sense that's about how long it would take to kind of wear off out of his system too and why all of a sudden 2 weeks later, he started becoming destructive again. So when I take them today to drop them off at the groomers I'm going to stop buy and buy some more of it I guess. It's like $45 for a month supply. Not cheap. But again...cheaper than replacing carpet or wood, or whatever else he might decide to destroy. Here's hoping anyways.... *sighs*
This last weekend honestly wasn't too bad, other than me having to have a killer assignment one night with our 2 busiest, heaviest patients, because we had a float from another floor and there was no other "fair" assignment for her. It definitely made my night fly, but fuck my feet were killing me when I got home! I was so exhausted! But the topping to the cake was when I came home yesterday morning to find that my dog had freaked out during the night and destroyed my carpet. Sometimes I swear...I just hate him! But only for a brief moment, then I love him to pieces. But omg I was so angry and it also made me just break down and cry. Mostly because I was just THAT angry at him about it. I don't know what to do about him.
My mom said "I think it's time you just put up an advertisement and try to sell him. You won't get your money back that you paid for him, but you'll get something I'm sure." No! That is not an option. I said "What do people do when they have a difficult child? Just finally throw their hands up and say 'I can't do this anymore, I'm giving you away!' Giving him up isn't an option!" And she tsk'd and reminded me that a dog and a child are 2 entirely different things. To most people, yeah. But not to me! I don't have kids, so my dogs ARE my kids! I'll never know how deeply you can love a child that you've given birth to, but I can only imagine it's similar to how much I love my dogs. It probably seems really silly to someone who has children, but to someone who doesn't have kids of their own and never will...it's just very hard to explain or make someone else understand unless they also feel that way about their dogs.
I'll need to figure something out for him. He just has such bad separation anxiety when I'm gone to work. He had been doing really well the last few weeks, then suddenly this weekend it was horrible. Every night he chewed up at least 1 of the puppy pads. I usually lay out 3 in the kitchen for them and every night he chewed up the 3rd one. So that last night I thought, well fuck it, I'm not going to put out that 3rd then. They're not cheap and if all he's going to do is shred it, what's the point. Well...a puppy pad is much cheaper than carpet! Because the last night I didn't put out that 3rd is the night he went for the carpet. I have no idea what I'm going to do about the carpet. And I have no idea what I'm going to do or try differently to get him to calm down.
I had been giving him this milk based capsule of something the vet recommended. It's not medicine, it's all natural or whatever. But I had ran out of it and honestly, I wasn't 100% it was making any difference. He wasn't having as hard of a time while I was gone, but then I was kind of hoping maybe he had just grown out of it a bit. But I think now this is the proof that it WAS helping! I ran out of it about 2 weeks ago, and she had told me that's about how long it would take to really start helping, so makes sense that's about how long it would take to kind of wear off out of his system too and why all of a sudden 2 weeks later, he started becoming destructive again. So when I take them today to drop them off at the groomers I'm going to stop buy and buy some more of it I guess. It's like $45 for a month supply. Not cheap. But again...cheaper than replacing carpet or wood, or whatever else he might decide to destroy. Here's hoping anyways.... *sighs*
Monday, July 1, 2019
Break down weekend
This weekend was a bit rough. Thursday night I had been playing Guild Wars 2, and SB (my ex from last year that is pretty much the catalyst for this change in me) had been helping me with something on the game. We don't talk often and when we have it's just been casual chat or it's about GW2. But that night he had been hanging out with me in the game then suddenly disappeared, saying "Sorry I gotta go" then he logged off. I thought...well that was abrupt!
Hours later he sent me a text on my phone with a picture of one of his kids that had gotten an injury, and they had to rush to the ER. So he was trying to explain away why he rushed off. And stupidly, it got me to thinking about why he would care enough to try to apologize or explain his abrupt departure to me at all. If I'm honest, I guess I still care about him and I miss him. Over the past year I've had thoughts about trying to patch things up, but then tell myself it's pointless to try unless I'm living close to him because long distance relationships just don't work, etc. I've also promised myself no romance or relationships until I can get myself fixed a bit. But still...there's times I can't help but wish things were different ya know.
So Friday when I got to work, I text him to ask him how his son was doing. I guess just to see if we would maybe keep chatting. I don't know what in the hell I was thinking or what kind of response I expected to get back. But all I got back from him was "He's fine" and never anything else, so I just left it. I have no clue why it stung, but I guess it just reminded me of how alone I am and how we really aren't a part of each others lives anymore, and how he doesn't really want me to be a part of his life anymore either. Sharing what happened to his son and him leaving abruptly was just him being nice I guess, nothing more.
I know these thoughts are just silly and probably irrational. But they're there none the less. If I were in a better place right now in my life, I wouldn't give a rats ass. I wouldn't even think about all this stuff. But it is what it is. So later that night, when it was just me & LS at work, I kind of had a break down. I cried a little bit, blubbering about how down I've been. How all week all I did was just sleep. I'd sleep for a few hours, wake up for a few hours, then go right back to bed to sleep for more. Every day I had intentions of starting to do the delivery thing to make some extra cash, but couldn't bring myself to even leave the house. How I felt horrible that I only took the dogs to the park once, and even that day I had to make myself do it! The whole week was basically a waste, because I just couldn't do anything.
She of course sympathized and said she understood. But she's a beautiful, young (27) woman, with tons of friends and a super active social life. I mean, of course she might understand, but if I had her life...I just shouldn't even go there. I shouldn't be judgmental because no one knows what it's like to be in someone else's shoes.
So that was Friday night/Saturday morning. Then Saturday night at work, I had another break down. I swear, parents are probably one of the hardest things I deal with in my job. Don't get me wrong, the kids are difficult too in their own ways. But I understand why they are being difficult. So I was taking care of this little kid, XB. For the most part, his mother has always done most of his care whenever I've had him in the past. I do my typical stuff, like assessment, IV medications, etc. but she has always been the one that does his oral meds and stuff, so I don't quite know the "tricks" to his med taking. And all kids have tricks when it comes to meds, ie: ways that work or don't work to get them to take their oral medications.
I was in their room at 20:15 taking down his chemo. At this point they were both still awake. He was watching some kid stuff on his IPad and she was watching tv on the couch. I told her "I will be back at 9 to start his next chemo and I'll have all of his nighttime meds with me for him too, but if you need something before then just give me a call" and she said ok. So as promised, I returned to the room at 21:00 and they were both already asleep! Like this wasn't like an oops, we accidentally fell asleep thing. It was lights out, tv off, she even had her laptop up playing her sound machine noise thing they sleep to. So under my breath I'm grumbling. She knew I was coming back in 45 minutes! She could have called me to say "Hey he's starting to get sleepy, can we go ahead and do his meds now?" and I would have immediately gone into the room to give them. Or she could have tried to distract him to stay away for a little bit until I came in. Something! But now, I have to wake up a 4 year old who is going to be none too happy that he now has to take medicine! *sighs*
So I get all of his medicine together and go to the side of the bed that mom is closest to and she rolls over and I see that she's either woken up or wasn't actually asleep yet. I whisper to her "Hey mom, I have his meds. Do you want me to wake him up and give them, or would you rather give them?" because often times, kids will do much better taking meds from parents than they will for us. She just whispered back "No, you can give them." Ugh....lovely, thanks! I thought.
So I wake up the little guy and he's of course, grumpy because I just woke him up. When I tell him he has to take his medicine, he loses it and starts to have his own break down. Screaming and crying "I don't want to take medicine!!" Hey I get it bud. I wouldn't be crazy about being woken up and told I have to take this nasty medicine either. So I spend the next 10 minutes trying to calm him down. I'm trying to think of all things I can say to help. Trying to bargain with him, "It's just 4 medicines...let's get it done real quick then you can go right back to sleep ok?" or "Do you want to play on your IPad while we take these?" He has a very special little stuffed animal that he can't go anywhere without and I even tried the whole "Let's share the medicine with Leper (the stuffed animals name because it's this leopard cub tiger thing) ok, that way you don't have to take it all yourself!" I was going to pretend to give some to the stuffed animal. Like I'm seriously trying everything. He's getting himself so worked up, I'm sensing this is only going to end in disaster, and by that I mean...any medicine I'm able to get him to take he's probably going to end up throwing up. *sighs*
I finally turn to mom, who by the way has been laying over on the couch watching this whole thing and say "Nothing I'm doing is seeming to work soooo..." and she just shrugs her shoulders and says "Just keep trying". Thanks lady! So by this time about 15 minutes has gone by and I've only managed to get him to take 1 of the 4 medicines he has to take, and even that was the smallest one. At one point I consider just throwing in the towel and admitting defeat. I consider not making him take them. But I know that with kids, even at this age, they will learn that if you give in and give up, then that will be the last time you'll ever get them to take medicine. Every time from there on out, it will be a huge production like this. Manipulative little shits! Even at 4 they are! I kid you not! lol
So wrong or right, I'm now getting really frustrated. Not frustrated with him so much, more frustrated at the situation with mom. How some of this could have been avoided had she not let him go to sleep or had she called me before he fell asleep. If she would get up and help me give these medicines. Something!!! So I stop trying to be so nice. I mean, I don't want it to seem like I decided to be a bitch. He's only 4 ffs! But I stopped saying "Come on bud...I know you don't want to take these and I'm sorry". I started saying his name and taking more of a stern tone. "X, you have to take this medicine" and he'd scream and cry "But I don't wanna take the medicine!!!" and I would say "I know you don't, but you have to. There is no option of not taking it. So sit up and let's get it done". Sometimes this will work if they're manipulating you and they realize that you're not giving up. Not this night....
He just kept getting more and more upset. And I'm not proud, but I resorted to threats by this point. He used to have a tube in his nose for a while so he could get liquid feedings fed to him because he kept losing weight. He absolutely hated it! But the good thing with it was we could also give him his meds through the tube. Even asleep, you could sneak in and give them to him. But make no mistake, having this tube didn't come without it's own moments of break downs. He'd have to be held down while we put the tube in because obviously, he's a 4 year old and he's not going to just lay there and let us do it. Once it was in, he'd absolutely freak out anytime he saw you touch the tube or come near it on his face. But it was a necessity, and most likely...will become one in the near future regardless, because after his transplant there will be a day he won't take his medicine or he will stop eating all together.
Anyhow...I told him "X, if you don't sit up and take this medicine for me like the big boy I know that you are, then I will have to go get one of my friends to come in here so she can help me hold you down while we put a tubie in your nose. Those are the only choices we have. Sit up and take this medicine, or you're going to get a tubie" and holy hell. He started screaming "I don't wanna be held down!! I don't want a tubie in my nose!!!!" He went off the scales on the break down, and what I knew was going to happen, happened. He projectile vomited everywhere and couldn't stop. It was all over him, his bed, his blankets, his stuffed animal. Which only made him more distraught, which I didn't think was possible!
Finally mother acted and got up, trying to help calm him down and clean him up. He was so difficult to console. She did try telling him "X you can't keep getting this upset like this, you have to take medicine and when you get so upset then you get sick". We managed to get him all cleaned up and LS came in to save the day. She got him to take tiny bits of medicine followed by drinks of water. It was a process and took a bit of time to get him to finish them all, but he finally did it. And I felt like...the.worst.nurse.ever! I threatened a 4 year old child with holding him down!
Once everything was done I asked LS to let me go to my car and I went out there and cried. What kind of fucked up nurse am I?! I felt awful for being frustrated with mom because ffs she's going through a living nightmare and no wonder she wanted to take a back seat tonight. For once, she didn't want to be "the bad guy" and she left me to get the medicine done but I was so angry and frustrated with her and in my head was blaming her for everything that happened. I was a mess over it. Even though LS and KJ both told me they understood, said they would have tried the same things, etc. I still felt like a monster, just like one of my patients mother's said I was a year ago. Who now that I think about it, is the real cause for my downward spiral. Will have to share that story some other time...
So needless to say, that just ruined my night. To top it off, they made us flex down and I was sent over to another department to work after 1am. So Sunday, I was kind of hoping for a mental day off. I knew all our units census would be down, so I was kind of hoping I'd get offered a push back and be put on call. Even though I bitch about losing the money and hours, I was willing to take it. I sat around until time to get ready for work, all the while staring at my phone, waiting on that text. It never came. So I grudgingly got ready for work. Sinatra, for whatever reason, decided to pee on the carpet just before I left. So I didn't show up to work in the best of moods. I was fully expecting for XB's mom to fire me, but she didn't. I told MD who was in charge, "Hey if they ask us to flex down and send someone home, can I go?" and she said sure. And I don't know why, but I broke down again. Told her how I'd been feeling lately. KJ ended up coming out and heard the whole thing too.
What's worse is I feel awful, because I know that everyone is going through their own issues. MD is one of the prettiest, sweetest girls I've ever worked with...yet she's still single. KJ, while annoying, she's got her own set of problems. She just had a miscarriage not too long ago. And then I think of all the people I take care of at work, who are going through cancer, bone marrow transplants, and I think...what is your problem! You have so many things to feel grateful for and all you can do is sit here feeling sorry for yourself, focused on such stupid things in your life. You have no reason to feel depressed, yet you do. And that's just it.
I do! I feel like I'm in such a dark pit of despair that I can't climb out of. I know I shouldn't feel the way that I do, yet I do. I know I have no real reasons to feel the things I'm feeling, but I do. And I have no idea how to fix it. How to make it better. Even if I did know how, I don't even know if I'd have the drive to do any of the things I'd need to do. MD suggested counseling, getting out and doing things with friends, going to a Dr and getting on meds. Yes, I could but that takes so much effort and how can I find the energy to do any of that when I have to force myself just to leave the house once a week to take my dogs to the park? I need to make some extra money but I can't even force myself to get out and start doing deliveries for Uber and InstaCart. I just don't know how to manage this or even get started. I feel like I've given up, and that scares me. It really does. *sighs*
Hours later he sent me a text on my phone with a picture of one of his kids that had gotten an injury, and they had to rush to the ER. So he was trying to explain away why he rushed off. And stupidly, it got me to thinking about why he would care enough to try to apologize or explain his abrupt departure to me at all. If I'm honest, I guess I still care about him and I miss him. Over the past year I've had thoughts about trying to patch things up, but then tell myself it's pointless to try unless I'm living close to him because long distance relationships just don't work, etc. I've also promised myself no romance or relationships until I can get myself fixed a bit. But still...there's times I can't help but wish things were different ya know.
So Friday when I got to work, I text him to ask him how his son was doing. I guess just to see if we would maybe keep chatting. I don't know what in the hell I was thinking or what kind of response I expected to get back. But all I got back from him was "He's fine" and never anything else, so I just left it. I have no clue why it stung, but I guess it just reminded me of how alone I am and how we really aren't a part of each others lives anymore, and how he doesn't really want me to be a part of his life anymore either. Sharing what happened to his son and him leaving abruptly was just him being nice I guess, nothing more.
I know these thoughts are just silly and probably irrational. But they're there none the less. If I were in a better place right now in my life, I wouldn't give a rats ass. I wouldn't even think about all this stuff. But it is what it is. So later that night, when it was just me & LS at work, I kind of had a break down. I cried a little bit, blubbering about how down I've been. How all week all I did was just sleep. I'd sleep for a few hours, wake up for a few hours, then go right back to bed to sleep for more. Every day I had intentions of starting to do the delivery thing to make some extra cash, but couldn't bring myself to even leave the house. How I felt horrible that I only took the dogs to the park once, and even that day I had to make myself do it! The whole week was basically a waste, because I just couldn't do anything.
She of course sympathized and said she understood. But she's a beautiful, young (27) woman, with tons of friends and a super active social life. I mean, of course she might understand, but if I had her life...I just shouldn't even go there. I shouldn't be judgmental because no one knows what it's like to be in someone else's shoes.
So that was Friday night/Saturday morning. Then Saturday night at work, I had another break down. I swear, parents are probably one of the hardest things I deal with in my job. Don't get me wrong, the kids are difficult too in their own ways. But I understand why they are being difficult. So I was taking care of this little kid, XB. For the most part, his mother has always done most of his care whenever I've had him in the past. I do my typical stuff, like assessment, IV medications, etc. but she has always been the one that does his oral meds and stuff, so I don't quite know the "tricks" to his med taking. And all kids have tricks when it comes to meds, ie: ways that work or don't work to get them to take their oral medications.
I was in their room at 20:15 taking down his chemo. At this point they were both still awake. He was watching some kid stuff on his IPad and she was watching tv on the couch. I told her "I will be back at 9 to start his next chemo and I'll have all of his nighttime meds with me for him too, but if you need something before then just give me a call" and she said ok. So as promised, I returned to the room at 21:00 and they were both already asleep! Like this wasn't like an oops, we accidentally fell asleep thing. It was lights out, tv off, she even had her laptop up playing her sound machine noise thing they sleep to. So under my breath I'm grumbling. She knew I was coming back in 45 minutes! She could have called me to say "Hey he's starting to get sleepy, can we go ahead and do his meds now?" and I would have immediately gone into the room to give them. Or she could have tried to distract him to stay away for a little bit until I came in. Something! But now, I have to wake up a 4 year old who is going to be none too happy that he now has to take medicine! *sighs*
So I get all of his medicine together and go to the side of the bed that mom is closest to and she rolls over and I see that she's either woken up or wasn't actually asleep yet. I whisper to her "Hey mom, I have his meds. Do you want me to wake him up and give them, or would you rather give them?" because often times, kids will do much better taking meds from parents than they will for us. She just whispered back "No, you can give them." Ugh....lovely, thanks! I thought.
So I wake up the little guy and he's of course, grumpy because I just woke him up. When I tell him he has to take his medicine, he loses it and starts to have his own break down. Screaming and crying "I don't want to take medicine!!" Hey I get it bud. I wouldn't be crazy about being woken up and told I have to take this nasty medicine either. So I spend the next 10 minutes trying to calm him down. I'm trying to think of all things I can say to help. Trying to bargain with him, "It's just 4 medicines...let's get it done real quick then you can go right back to sleep ok?" or "Do you want to play on your IPad while we take these?" He has a very special little stuffed animal that he can't go anywhere without and I even tried the whole "Let's share the medicine with Leper (the stuffed animals name because it's this leopard cub tiger thing) ok, that way you don't have to take it all yourself!" I was going to pretend to give some to the stuffed animal. Like I'm seriously trying everything. He's getting himself so worked up, I'm sensing this is only going to end in disaster, and by that I mean...any medicine I'm able to get him to take he's probably going to end up throwing up. *sighs*
I finally turn to mom, who by the way has been laying over on the couch watching this whole thing and say "Nothing I'm doing is seeming to work soooo..." and she just shrugs her shoulders and says "Just keep trying". Thanks lady! So by this time about 15 minutes has gone by and I've only managed to get him to take 1 of the 4 medicines he has to take, and even that was the smallest one. At one point I consider just throwing in the towel and admitting defeat. I consider not making him take them. But I know that with kids, even at this age, they will learn that if you give in and give up, then that will be the last time you'll ever get them to take medicine. Every time from there on out, it will be a huge production like this. Manipulative little shits! Even at 4 they are! I kid you not! lol
So wrong or right, I'm now getting really frustrated. Not frustrated with him so much, more frustrated at the situation with mom. How some of this could have been avoided had she not let him go to sleep or had she called me before he fell asleep. If she would get up and help me give these medicines. Something!!! So I stop trying to be so nice. I mean, I don't want it to seem like I decided to be a bitch. He's only 4 ffs! But I stopped saying "Come on bud...I know you don't want to take these and I'm sorry". I started saying his name and taking more of a stern tone. "X, you have to take this medicine" and he'd scream and cry "But I don't wanna take the medicine!!!" and I would say "I know you don't, but you have to. There is no option of not taking it. So sit up and let's get it done". Sometimes this will work if they're manipulating you and they realize that you're not giving up. Not this night....
He just kept getting more and more upset. And I'm not proud, but I resorted to threats by this point. He used to have a tube in his nose for a while so he could get liquid feedings fed to him because he kept losing weight. He absolutely hated it! But the good thing with it was we could also give him his meds through the tube. Even asleep, you could sneak in and give them to him. But make no mistake, having this tube didn't come without it's own moments of break downs. He'd have to be held down while we put the tube in because obviously, he's a 4 year old and he's not going to just lay there and let us do it. Once it was in, he'd absolutely freak out anytime he saw you touch the tube or come near it on his face. But it was a necessity, and most likely...will become one in the near future regardless, because after his transplant there will be a day he won't take his medicine or he will stop eating all together.
Anyhow...I told him "X, if you don't sit up and take this medicine for me like the big boy I know that you are, then I will have to go get one of my friends to come in here so she can help me hold you down while we put a tubie in your nose. Those are the only choices we have. Sit up and take this medicine, or you're going to get a tubie" and holy hell. He started screaming "I don't wanna be held down!! I don't want a tubie in my nose!!!!" He went off the scales on the break down, and what I knew was going to happen, happened. He projectile vomited everywhere and couldn't stop. It was all over him, his bed, his blankets, his stuffed animal. Which only made him more distraught, which I didn't think was possible!
Finally mother acted and got up, trying to help calm him down and clean him up. He was so difficult to console. She did try telling him "X you can't keep getting this upset like this, you have to take medicine and when you get so upset then you get sick". We managed to get him all cleaned up and LS came in to save the day. She got him to take tiny bits of medicine followed by drinks of water. It was a process and took a bit of time to get him to finish them all, but he finally did it. And I felt like...the.worst.nurse.ever! I threatened a 4 year old child with holding him down!
Once everything was done I asked LS to let me go to my car and I went out there and cried. What kind of fucked up nurse am I?! I felt awful for being frustrated with mom because ffs she's going through a living nightmare and no wonder she wanted to take a back seat tonight. For once, she didn't want to be "the bad guy" and she left me to get the medicine done but I was so angry and frustrated with her and in my head was blaming her for everything that happened. I was a mess over it. Even though LS and KJ both told me they understood, said they would have tried the same things, etc. I still felt like a monster, just like one of my patients mother's said I was a year ago. Who now that I think about it, is the real cause for my downward spiral. Will have to share that story some other time...
So needless to say, that just ruined my night. To top it off, they made us flex down and I was sent over to another department to work after 1am. So Sunday, I was kind of hoping for a mental day off. I knew all our units census would be down, so I was kind of hoping I'd get offered a push back and be put on call. Even though I bitch about losing the money and hours, I was willing to take it. I sat around until time to get ready for work, all the while staring at my phone, waiting on that text. It never came. So I grudgingly got ready for work. Sinatra, for whatever reason, decided to pee on the carpet just before I left. So I didn't show up to work in the best of moods. I was fully expecting for XB's mom to fire me, but she didn't. I told MD who was in charge, "Hey if they ask us to flex down and send someone home, can I go?" and she said sure. And I don't know why, but I broke down again. Told her how I'd been feeling lately. KJ ended up coming out and heard the whole thing too.
What's worse is I feel awful, because I know that everyone is going through their own issues. MD is one of the prettiest, sweetest girls I've ever worked with...yet she's still single. KJ, while annoying, she's got her own set of problems. She just had a miscarriage not too long ago. And then I think of all the people I take care of at work, who are going through cancer, bone marrow transplants, and I think...what is your problem! You have so many things to feel grateful for and all you can do is sit here feeling sorry for yourself, focused on such stupid things in your life. You have no reason to feel depressed, yet you do. And that's just it.
I do! I feel like I'm in such a dark pit of despair that I can't climb out of. I know I shouldn't feel the way that I do, yet I do. I know I have no real reasons to feel the things I'm feeling, but I do. And I have no idea how to fix it. How to make it better. Even if I did know how, I don't even know if I'd have the drive to do any of the things I'd need to do. MD suggested counseling, getting out and doing things with friends, going to a Dr and getting on meds. Yes, I could but that takes so much effort and how can I find the energy to do any of that when I have to force myself just to leave the house once a week to take my dogs to the park? I need to make some extra money but I can't even force myself to get out and start doing deliveries for Uber and InstaCart. I just don't know how to manage this or even get started. I feel like I've given up, and that scares me. It really does. *sighs*
Thursday, June 27, 2019
The Year of You (explanation)
A little while back I purchased a book that I came across called The Year of You. It's a book with daily journal topics. There's one for every day of the year. I started doing the daily journals by hand, writing them old school. Pen and paper. I know they suggest that you don't journal "online", that you actually sit down with pen & paper and write. I'm sure it has something to do with making it more personal, less distractions, etc. Which makes sense. But for me, it's so hard to find a comfy spot to sit and write like that. Not to mention, when I get on a really hot topic, it's not long before my hand hurts. On computer I can type almost 100 words per minute. Hard to compete with that when using pen and paper! lol
My goal is to complete the whole thing though. I've browsed through the book a little bit and some days the writing is pretty short, other days it looks like some pretty intense questions to journal about. Not only are there journal prompts for each day, but every month covers a different topic as well. The author says you can start from the day you start journaling. Like today is June 27th, so I could start there and write about that days journal entry. Or you could start from the beginning.
I think to me it makes the most sense to start from the beginning, because some entries seem to build on the one before it a bit. Anyways, so that's what I'm gonna do. :) I might jump around here and there, either using other journal prompts or maybe I'll just feel like writing something off topic for that day, or maybe I'll do more than 1 a day, who knows. So I'll title those entries or tag them with 'The Year of You'.
Ok...let's get started! lol
My goal is to complete the whole thing though. I've browsed through the book a little bit and some days the writing is pretty short, other days it looks like some pretty intense questions to journal about. Not only are there journal prompts for each day, but every month covers a different topic as well. The author says you can start from the day you start journaling. Like today is June 27th, so I could start there and write about that days journal entry. Or you could start from the beginning.
I think to me it makes the most sense to start from the beginning, because some entries seem to build on the one before it a bit. Anyways, so that's what I'm gonna do. :) I might jump around here and there, either using other journal prompts or maybe I'll just feel like writing something off topic for that day, or maybe I'll do more than 1 a day, who knows. So I'll title those entries or tag them with 'The Year of You'.
Ok...let's get started! lol
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Anything worth holding on to
So a few weeks ago an online friend of mine shared this song with me. That's kind of our "thing". We share songs with each other that we think we'll like, because we have similar tastes and unfortunately, kind of feel the same about life right now. Although I think she does a much better job at handling it than me.
This song made me bawl like a baby, and still does. But it perfectly sums up how I feel right now. How I feel about myself. How I feel about life. How I feel about the future. I'm already tearing up right now just talking about the song. From time to time I'll share songs that hit home like this one does, because sometimes music says everything I can't find the words to say, and this is definitely one of those songs.
Lyrics
Lately it seems, I've lost inspiration
It feels like it's miles away
I sleep through the day
And cry through the night time
I'm caught in an empty space
Takes effort to find
I don't have the strength
I'm holding on to what's still left of me
When the life you had planned
Slowly slips through your hands
When it feels like you just slept through all the best years of your life
When you can't find your way
When each day ends the same
When you've lost the fight inside of you
Is there anything worth holding on to?
It's hard to be strong
When weakness is stronger
I'm a prisoner in my own skin
I'm not good on my own
I need to be cared for
Someone to help these days begin
There are dreams I've let die
That I just pushed aside
I need to find out how to turn this dark back into light
When the warmth disappears
When it's been one of those years
When you're running from the truth because, well
You're scared of what you might find
When your heart's beyond repair
When you wake and no ones there
When your home consists of only you
Is there anything worth holding on to?
Maybe tomorrow my heart will reawaken
And I can find what I've been searching for
But today I'm tired and I'm running out of strength
All I know is I can't live like this anymore
When you're so far from home
When you've lost all signs of hope
When you're searching for salvation
But it feels so far away
When the words have disappeared
And the melody's unclear
When there's nothing left inside of you
Is there anything worth holding on to?
Cause I will still be holding on to
Anything worth holding on to...
This song made me bawl like a baby, and still does. But it perfectly sums up how I feel right now. How I feel about myself. How I feel about life. How I feel about the future. I'm already tearing up right now just talking about the song. From time to time I'll share songs that hit home like this one does, because sometimes music says everything I can't find the words to say, and this is definitely one of those songs.
Lyrics
Lately it seems, I've lost inspiration
It feels like it's miles away
I sleep through the day
And cry through the night time
I'm caught in an empty space
Takes effort to find
I don't have the strength
I'm holding on to what's still left of me
When the life you had planned
Slowly slips through your hands
When it feels like you just slept through all the best years of your life
When you can't find your way
When each day ends the same
When you've lost the fight inside of you
Is there anything worth holding on to?
It's hard to be strong
When weakness is stronger
I'm a prisoner in my own skin
I'm not good on my own
I need to be cared for
Someone to help these days begin
There are dreams I've let die
That I just pushed aside
I need to find out how to turn this dark back into light
When the warmth disappears
When it's been one of those years
When you're running from the truth because, well
You're scared of what you might find
When your heart's beyond repair
When you wake and no ones there
When your home consists of only you
Is there anything worth holding on to?
Maybe tomorrow my heart will reawaken
And I can find what I've been searching for
But today I'm tired and I'm running out of strength
All I know is I can't live like this anymore
When you're so far from home
When you've lost all signs of hope
When you're searching for salvation
But it feels so far away
When the words have disappeared
And the melody's unclear
When there's nothing left inside of you
Is there anything worth holding on to?
Cause I will still be holding on to
Anything worth holding on to...
Here we go...again
This will be like my umpteenth journal/blog that I've started. Maybe one of these days I will stick with writing. I feel like it's a cycle. I go through some rough, dark times in my life and that's what prompts me to want to write out my thoughts. Things start to get better or I just get distracted and before you know it, it's weeks, then months, between writing.
What prompted this burst of desire to start writing again? My.life.sucks! Plain and simple. I turn 40 fucking years old in a few months and I'm having a life crisis. I have a degree, with a career, yet this past year I have been literally living paycheck to paycheck. Mostly only being able to make ends meet because I'm able to dip a little bit here and there into my savings account. But if it wasn't for that, I'd be screwed! And that savings account keeps dwindling each month. I worked too hard and I'm too fucking old to be living like that!
I'm about to turn 40 and what do I have to show for my life? Divorced with no desire even to be in a relationship with anyone right now. Well, that's not entirely true. I wish I had someone in my life. I wish I had someone to share my life with. I just don't want to go through all the bullshit you have to go through to get it. I have no desire to put myself out there. I don't even know if I know how to flirt or talk to a guy anymore. Something has died inside of me. I've become passive and lazy. I guess I just sit here thinking, what's the point? This is probably going to be how the next 40 years of my life is going to be so why bother?
If I'm totally honest, if it wasn't for my 2 dogs, I'd have nothing really to live for. I work 3 days a week. On my 4 days off I waste countless hours on the internet, sleep a lot, spend time with my dogs. That is it. They keep me here. If it wasn't for the fact that I have them depending on me...well I'm sure you can figure out the end of that thought. And it isn't like I think I have such a horrible life or anything. It really is just this thought that I keep having of what's the point?
I'm not married. I don't have any kids and never will. Other than the job I have, what am I even doing but taking up space here on this planet. I rarely see any of my family since I live 18 hours away from them. The whole plan has been to move closer to them but since I keep having to use my savings account to save me from homelessness, looks like that's never going to happen. Yeah, if it wasn't for my dogs, or the fact that me being gone would literally destroy my mother, I'd probably have disappeared.
But here's the thing...I don't want to feel this way! I want to be happy again. I want to have a life. I want to live life. Sometimes I think if maybe I did just pack up and move somewhere, I could start over. Wipe the slate clean. But until I do some internal fixing, then I'm self aware enough to know that's not going to work. Because...
So here's what I'm going to do. I am going to take this next year to try to get into a better place. I'm going to journal every fucking day! I'm going to use journal prompts that force me to search inside myself so I can learn who I really am and start liking myself again. I'm going to read articles, books, watch videos, listen to podcasts, music, whatever...to try to find happiness again. I will not even attempt to get into a relationship with anyone during this time. Other than my dogs, my family, coworkers & friends, they will be the only people in my life. But my main focus will be me, and only me!
I am no longer going to be a passenger in life. I have to take control of my life. I have so many things to be thankful for and happy about. This can't be...it.
What prompted this burst of desire to start writing again? My.life.sucks! Plain and simple. I turn 40 fucking years old in a few months and I'm having a life crisis. I have a degree, with a career, yet this past year I have been literally living paycheck to paycheck. Mostly only being able to make ends meet because I'm able to dip a little bit here and there into my savings account. But if it wasn't for that, I'd be screwed! And that savings account keeps dwindling each month. I worked too hard and I'm too fucking old to be living like that!
I'm about to turn 40 and what do I have to show for my life? Divorced with no desire even to be in a relationship with anyone right now. Well, that's not entirely true. I wish I had someone in my life. I wish I had someone to share my life with. I just don't want to go through all the bullshit you have to go through to get it. I have no desire to put myself out there. I don't even know if I know how to flirt or talk to a guy anymore. Something has died inside of me. I've become passive and lazy. I guess I just sit here thinking, what's the point? This is probably going to be how the next 40 years of my life is going to be so why bother?
If I'm totally honest, if it wasn't for my 2 dogs, I'd have nothing really to live for. I work 3 days a week. On my 4 days off I waste countless hours on the internet, sleep a lot, spend time with my dogs. That is it. They keep me here. If it wasn't for the fact that I have them depending on me...well I'm sure you can figure out the end of that thought. And it isn't like I think I have such a horrible life or anything. It really is just this thought that I keep having of what's the point?
I'm not married. I don't have any kids and never will. Other than the job I have, what am I even doing but taking up space here on this planet. I rarely see any of my family since I live 18 hours away from them. The whole plan has been to move closer to them but since I keep having to use my savings account to save me from homelessness, looks like that's never going to happen. Yeah, if it wasn't for my dogs, or the fact that me being gone would literally destroy my mother, I'd probably have disappeared.
But here's the thing...I don't want to feel this way! I want to be happy again. I want to have a life. I want to live life. Sometimes I think if maybe I did just pack up and move somewhere, I could start over. Wipe the slate clean. But until I do some internal fixing, then I'm self aware enough to know that's not going to work. Because...
So here's what I'm going to do. I am going to take this next year to try to get into a better place. I'm going to journal every fucking day! I'm going to use journal prompts that force me to search inside myself so I can learn who I really am and start liking myself again. I'm going to read articles, books, watch videos, listen to podcasts, music, whatever...to try to find happiness again. I will not even attempt to get into a relationship with anyone during this time. Other than my dogs, my family, coworkers & friends, they will be the only people in my life. But my main focus will be me, and only me!
I am no longer going to be a passenger in life. I have to take control of my life. I have so many things to be thankful for and happy about. This can't be...it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)